The Funniest Travel Story Ever: A Reviewer Goes to Montreal

This may indeed be our longest blog ever posted by the Nigro Firm, but it is worth it, it is hilarious.

One of our construction document reviewers, who is an inexperienced traveler, especially in the post 9/11 era, wrote this story about his trip to Montreal. I guess this guy is lucky he does not have to fly to review construction documents.

Please read and enjoy.

It started with getting up early in the morning Wednesday to make it to the airport two hours before our flight. I, not being a world traveler like my wife, asked why. She said it was because of the long lines to get through security. We made it to the airport, parked the car, rode a “short” bus to the terminals and walked in.

We walked, very quickly, up to the ticket giver guy. He didn’t smile…actually he didn’t show any emotion but gave us a bunch of stuff and took our suitcases. Janet kept everything but gave me back my passport and one piece of paper and said come on and took off. I tried to keep up but it was tough. Just when I thought I would forever lose her in the distance she stopped in a long line. I reached her and realized this was the dreaded security line. I have never been through a metal detector without it going off but Janet had grilled me pretty well about what I could bring and what I couldn’t. It went something like this:

Janet: Empty all your pockets.

Me: *Emptying my pockets with a look of distrust* (I am the boyscout type that carries everything from duct tape to a leatherman, which I never leave the house without).

Janet: Leave all of that home.

Me: *Curl up on the floor in the fetal position*

Security

After we got in line I asked Janet about those other papers she got and she said I would get the appropriate papers at the appropriate time. As the security people got closer I have to admit I was nervous. When we finally got there I took out three of those big gray bins and emptied my pockets into the first one (yea I know, I don’t listen), put my laptop and carry-on in the second and then put my jacket in the third. They then made me take off my boots and put them on the belt. I then nervously walked through the thing and it didn’t beep. I was so happy I wanted to walk through it again just to hear it not beep but decided they would probably then strip search me or something so I decided against it. So I figured the hard part was over we could relax and wait for the plane. Janet though was scooping things up out of those bins and running off again. I grabbed my stuff, started to put a boot on and she said “No, just grab it and come on.” So I grabbed all of my stuff and took off hoping they didn’t think something was up and that was the reason why we were running. Luckily we were just going over to a bench so we could get organized. We finally got everything put back on and in and I figured a leisurely stroll to the gate but Janet was gone again. We got to the gate and she put everything down on a couple of chairs and said she was going to the restroom and to wait right there. I sat down and waited. When she got back I asked her if we would be boarding soon. She said in about an hour and a half. I sat there dumbfounded. I thought to myself, why were we running through the airport then? Never mind, I’ll go shopping. I went to the store next to us. After looking at every item in the store three times and buying some water and Dr. Pepper I had killed ten minutes. So I sat down and pulled out my book. I was reading the five book trilogy of The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. Why he calls five books a trilogy I don’t know.

Take-Off and and a Thing Called Turbulence

We finally boarded and got settled. My anxiety was high. I’ve never liked being in any vehicle that I’m not in control of. Through my life whenever I was taught the Bernoulli principle they always taught it around an airplane wing. I would listen, make some calculations and figure out quickly that there was no way a plane should get off the ground from the Bernoulli principle. When people ask me why I hate to fly I just tell them I don’t believe in the Bernoulli principle. This has worked great until I told Preston that and he said “That’s not how a plane flies.” Well, this really freaked me out. I’ve looked at planes many times and there is just no way they should be flying. They are big, made of metal and just have tiny wings. I figure I may have got Bernoulli wrong but Preston doesn’t usually mess up Physics. As all of this is going through my mind, I’m sitting staring out a window. I got a wing seat so I can see the wing and how it works. There is a “flap” on the back and I decide it must be pointing downward now and then it straightens out and that is what makes it go up. As we hurl ourselves down the runway in a plane that consists of a third fuel, a third metal and a third humans - my eyes are fixated on the wing and when the flap thingy is going to move. Well, pretty soon we get airborne and the flap never moved. Panic starts to set in as now I have no idea how a plane works and figure it must just run off of faith. Everyone on board simply believes it will fly. I figure I’ll be OK as long as I can see the wing and the ground…I think this ...as the plane goes into the clouds. I turn to Janet for reassurance that we aren’t going to die and she is dead…no, she is just dead asleep, how can she sleep through this? Then the plane starts shaking, I mean shaking bad, you can see the wing tip bouncing. I know this can’t be normal. I look around the cabin and people are reading, sleeping and chatting completely unaware that they are going to die! The captain then says he apologizes for the "slight" turbulence and that we should be out of it in about ten minutes. I just keep thinking, “I should have driven to Montreal.”

After a while these Stewardess’s ask if I want something to drink. This wakes up Janet and we get something to drink. She asks me how I’m doing and I say “fine.” She starts to read. I figure I will try and do that for a while. Reading actually helps. I start to relax and even enjoy looking out the window on occasion at the crop circles (not the alien kind but rather those farmer create with the use of circular sprinkler systems) and various other landmarks. From this high up the cars all look like tiny little cars. It’s not long before we start our descent. This starts the acid in my stomach bubbling again. Janet is chatting about how long we have (2 hours) and other chit chat and I’m trying to concentrate all of my happy thoughts to the captain so he doesn’t kill us. About 30 seconds out my stomach acid finally bubbles up into my mouth leaving a nasty acid taste …this of course is the point where Janet asks me what I feel like having for lunch. I calmly explain to her that I don’t feel much like eating right now and let’s discuss it after the crisis is over. She looks at me funny and says OK. We land without incident and taxi to the gate.

Landing

The captain turns off the seat belt light and the plane people come to life, well at least two thirds of them do. I figure about one third are the “real travelers,” these people just sit in their seat and wait because they know it will be a while. Then there are the third who are “impatient experienced travelers" i.e. Janet who just wants to get off the plane. These people stand up and jockey for position. Then there is the third that are the inexperienced who jump up because they don’t want to be left on the plane on accident. Janet jumps up, throws me my stuff from the bin and jockeys for her position. I do too but she ends up a few people in front of me. I figure it’s not a big deal because we have two hours here so we’ll just take our time and wander through the airport. As we disembark Janet waited for me at the end and makes some comment about me being too nice and takes off like a rocket through the airport again. Well, by now my back hurts, my hips hurt, my knees hurt and I just can’t keep up. The last I see her she is hurdling chairs like OJ Simpson in that 1970’s commercial. A man in a walker passes me and I tell him if he runs into a hot redhead to tell her that I’m coming as fast as I can. He says he’ll relay the message and takes off too fast for me to grab onto his walker and let him drag me along. Eventually Janet comes back for me and this is when I learn the travelers rule. You have to run to your gate make sure everything is OK and then you can relax. Now this doesn’t exactly make sense to me because typically she would just make sure the gate does indeed exist and then would look at the TV screen and check on our flight. Logically, I think we can assume the gate does exist and those TV screens are everywhere but by the number of people at the gate two hours early I can tell this is not just her rule but an acceptable rule of travel.

We then ate at Popeye’s chicken (I don’t recommend it) and sat down to wait for the next plane. It arrived and we boarded it. This time wasn’t quite as bad as the first but it was still a little nerve racking. The flight was longer so I had more time to calm down between take off and landing and I think that helped.

Flying Home

Coming home wasn’t as scary; however, for the first leg to Chicago I couldn’t sit by my wife which was annoying. She was only four seats in front of me but she may as well been in the front on the plane. When we got to Chicago and ran to our gate, Janet went to the restroom and I went up to the cute blond behind the counter and flirted a little and then told her I was scared and could she change our seat assignments so that I could sit by my wife so she could comfort me. We got the second row back from the front next to each other. Janet was happy and so was I. The last flight I hardly got nervous at all and decided that faith after all might not be a bad way to fly a plane. I still think I will stay grounded for a while though.

To read more about our reviewer's wife and her speedy legs, see Compassion in the workplace: Going the extra mile...or 26.

To read about how this reviewer helped us meet a crisis deadline situation, see Creative Problem Solving: Meeting deadlines.

Wonder, just what it is the Nigro Firm does, see What does the Nigro Firm do?